Simply December- singing and Santa

We braved the cold and bundled up to go and see the caroling competition called Figgy Pudding. We took the bus downtown because thousands of people were expected, between the singing and the Pear Jam concert. On the bus, the kids were leaning on the window, pointing out all the lights. One large downtown building had a light on it's top that changed from red to green and my kids were squealing in delight "Now it's red" "Now it's green." An older gentleman on the bus was delighted by their delight, and as we left the bus he said "thank you for sharing your babies with us." It's why we do all this stuff right? Not for us old and tired grown-ups but for those cries of joy as the light turns from one color to the next.

We rode the carousel and warmed our fingers with hot donuts and cocoa. We listened to the groups of choirs singing on all the street corners downtown- some with jazzy hats and jingle bell rock and some with solemn tones of angels. All was magic in the dark night, with the press of people and the voices lifting up around us.

And then through the crowd, we saw one particular visitor. The kids got to have their chance with him, bless him for saving me from a trip to the mall. Unity went first and chatted away. Brixton, after climbing into his lap, stammered and looked at me. "Mom, what do I want for Christmas?" He got down without deciding.
We stumbled home, cold and tired but their eyes were full of the shining lights and they were humming carols as they went to sleep that night.

Simply December

There's a lot of talk these days about simplifying the holidays. Talk of focusing on what we really value and letting go of the stress. I love that this conversation seems more prevalent, that we are sharing tips and ideas about giving more and buying less. About how being present is the best gift we can give each other. 

It's true, I have a very long to-do list. But, I also made a December fun list, to balance it out and remember that there's a lot to look forward to this month. I don't want to get to Christmas and realize that I spent the whole month with my head down just going from one task to the next. I was telling a friend about my fun list this weekend and she asked, reasonably, "won't you just get stressed about trying to do all the fun things?" But it's more of a reminder, a guideline. I know we won't get to them all and that's ok, it's just to help me remember to make space and time for special traditions. 

My feelings about Christmas have evolved so much over the years. From being so excited I couldn't sleep, to being bored and over it. I loved my time working in the bookstore, with it's crazy frantic energy. I loved being able to put the right book in the right hands and running on adrenaline and sugar cookies and the John Waters Christmas album all the way up until Christmas Eve, then collapsing on a plane the next day to see my family.

It's different now, of course. Now it's more about making the magic for the under-four-feet crew. It's taking pieces of Chris's and my childhood traditions and weaving them to make our own. On Black Friday, instead of buying more stuff, we cleaned out a closet and made a give-away pile. It was so satisfying, I'm thinking that will be something to continue.

The kids are excited about toys and Santa of course. But they are also excited about the songs and the stories and the parties and the family time. And I'm thankful to keep focusing on that. 

Holiday weekend

a minute of gratitude

                Yup, Chris is  standing! Standing and starting to walk. The docs gave him the all-clear to drive and said things are coming along with his healing, so he is starting to put weight on the leg. He says it's like pins-and-needles, but it's good to be doing it. We also learned that his bone density is not good, which explains why it's so easy for him to break bones. (The man lived in the PNW for 20 years and never took his Vitamin D. Let this be a cautionary tale.) But, the good part of that is that it's reversible with diet and vitamins and exercise. It may take years but he can turn it around.

I am in awe of his determination to get better, and how quickly he's been able to do it. We're not all the way there, not yet, but when I think about how far he and our whole family have come, it really is so much better than it was.

In Quaker speak, a minute is a statement of strong belief that a Meeting or an individual would like to publicly share. Ever since the accident, I've been writing a minute of gratitude in my head. It's been hard and painful and scary, but we've also been so lucky and supported and nourished.

When Chris called me while waiting for the ambulance, I frantically texted some friends and asked for Light. From those first panicked horrible minutes when I knew he was hurt but I didn't know the extent of it, I knew we were being held, and it kept me going through the fear and anxiety.
That was the beginning of our communities coming forward to support our family, and when things were
really stressful, I would just recite my list of thank yous in my head.

For the friend who came over and just helped me think through what decisions I needed to make in those panicked early moments.
For the people who watched my kids, sometimes for most of a day on short notice.
For the people who brought us food, almost every night for five weeks.
For the friend who came over and jumped my car, when my distracted self had left the inside light on.
For the friends who conspired to send us each a gorgeous flower arrangement and give our days some beauty.
For the friend who came over and moved my couch so we could make space for Chris's hospital bed.
For my amazing mom who said "when can I come?" and co-parented with me for weeks. She's the only reason my kids had Halloween costumes, and the only reason I didn't go insane.
For the family who sent us love and support from afar.


I don't know what we would have done without all of you. I really don't.

I also really loved the honesty that people gave me. "Cooking is just not how I'm going to help you guys."
"I really can't do childcare but I could do this." I loved the gift of people being realistic about what they are capable of and offering only what they could. Because that gift of being authentic and honest is so valuable and precious.

I've been on the other side of this equation, I've been the one bringing meals and organizing the gifts. That part is fun. It's fun to give and feel generous and useful and connected.
Being on the other side is hard. It's hard to be the one who needs help. It's hard to feel vulnerable, to know that you can't do it on your own.
We all have our chances to be the giver and the receiver, all our lives. I hope that next time I am the giver, I can be as honest and realistic as the ones who have helped us. I hope that next time I am the receiver (please let that be many many years from now)  I can remember that we all have our seasons of needing help.

Meister Eckhart said "If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough."

I can't decide if they are the smallest words or the biggest words I know. Both, I think.

Thank you.

Cold and clear

It's been cold and clear here these days. Foggy mornings and sharp bright afternoons. School's out for the week so we are planning projects and playing with friends. Confession: I have started listening to Christmas music. Yes, already. It's funny cause I used to hate it, when I worked in retail and then as soon as I left I couldn't get enough. I like this one and of course, all of these.

Brixton is still on his writing fixation, it's new and it's exciting. He wanted me to help him write a sign that said no grownups absolutely allowed. I told him I wouldn't write something that excluded myself, so he made his own version of the sign.

We have some mostly good news about Chris but I'll save that for another post.

Yarn along- Brixton's hoodie and the problem with trilogies

I'm working on Brixton's hoodie, to go along with Unity's hoodie.  The pattern is from the last issue of Taproot. It's coming along well, just like the first one.

I finished reading Allegiant by Veronica Roth, and I was disappointed. I felt like her books were similar to the Hunger Games in that they started with a strong premise and good world-building and then the second book was ok but not great and the third book was terrible. I don't know if it's the pressure and fame or just that it's hard to write trilogies, but I felt like Allegiant was flat, the action was confusing and inspiring and the end was just unrewarding. I wish there was less pressure in the book world to create these trilogy/movie tie-ins, because I think the authors get rushed and scattered and the work really suffers.

On to the next thing, I guess...

Yarn along.

Sucker punch Monday

Yeah, this Monday hit us hard, right between the eyes. We'll all fending off a bit of a bug. Both kids were up multiple times during the night complaining of head aches and ear aches. And then....Brixton has been having this problem with markers. He had some in his bed, unbeknownst to me. Two nights ago he drew on his sheets and his wall. I took them away but he had more secreted away. The next night he drew on the rug in their room. I took them away again, as well as the rug. Yesterday he drew "x"s all over the living room walls. I don't know what this urge is, after he's gotten in trouble twice already, to put his mark on all our spaces. Now he is scrubbing off the "x"s and regretting his choices.

Someday we'll laugh about this, right?

Rehabbing

In between doctor appointments, Chris and I had a little time for lunch and rolling around together. (Ok I just reread that and saw how it sounds. But I mean in his chair! Cause he can't walk around, you know. Sigh.)

His muscles are sore but they are improving, as the nerve endings tingle and stretch and reach for the old movements. Inch by inch, we are seeing progress. 

                                         Reading comics in the waiting room.

                                    I'm working on Brixton's hoodie now. He's excited. Reading a Seattle writer's
                                  memoir of his wild college years and the twisted beauty that he loved. He's a
                                  good writer but it's a turbulent story. I'm taking it slow.

Brixton knows the story of Papi's accident so well that he can dictate it to the preschool teachers when he draws his daily get-well card. 

Inching forward. 

Queen of Small Moments

This weekend we had self-portraits and sibling portraits. 

Chris had a one man circle pit, with his music and his wheels.

                                             
  We dressed up and played house. Went swimming and hung out with some friends. Brixton had a playdate with a set of triplets that we know from Meeting for Worship.
                             

I'm grateful for each day of him getting better, each day of our family being loved and supported and fed (physically and emotionally and spiritually) by our communities. I'm thankful for bones that heal, and family dance parties to Led Zeppelin and friends that stop by with zines and stories. 

For all this, even this, yes, this. 

Unity's hoodie

I am so pleased with how this one turned out. (It's the hoodie pattern from Taproot magazine.) Of course there are some mistakes that I wish I'd done differently but altogether it knit up quickly and was a lot of fun to make. Brixton wants one next and I'm looking forward to doing this pattern again. 

This weekend was nice, a little bit calmer than our last which was needed. The kids had swimming and girl scouts and that was it. The rest of the time we just hung out, knitting and playing the same games over and over. Brixton loves playing "animal shelter" these days which involves him as a kitty at the shelter and you pick him out and take him home. Then he goes back to the shelter and you pick him out and take him home. 

Unity has gotten into reading the Magic Treehouse books and has been racing through them. It's so fun to see her get so wrapped up in a book. 

Chris is hanging in there too, doing his physical therapy and getting ready to take his wheelchair to work. We are doing ok. And I'm so thankful for that. 

Halloween